Quote Post #24

[damned_quotes]

"Ugh. He was really laying it on thick. Did he think she was that easy to manipulate? Words like his existed to replace real respect, not display it.

"Answer me a question first," she said, smirking. "How many 'ma'am's do you think it takes to make up for an 'oozing fuckwitch'?""

"Spider remained firmly planted in her path, still bowing. He turned his face up to look at her, and assumed an expression of deep thought.

"Hmm... Counting the previous six? I'd say twenty-eight. Ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am Ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am - this could all end if you'd just give me your name - Ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am ma'am...""

- Evangeline A. K. McDowell (bullygeneraleva) and Spider Jerusalem (iwascloned) [here]



"I think he had an ex-boyfriend named Skyfire. Not sure how attached he is now."
"INTERESTING. I DID NOT KNOW THAT."

-Scourge (haplesstracker) & Lugnut (hailmegatron) about Starscream [here]



"KYOKUCHUU HATTO 123: Thou will not place Vice Commander Hijikata's mayonnaise in a location that compromises its taste and/or form in any way. This includes: adding poison, adding glue, adding gasoline, adding any substance that isn't strictly edible, freezing for purposes other than preservation, combustion, explosion, unnecessary heating, giving it to Commander Kondo Isao and telling him it's a new kind of lubrication. Because it's not. And he doesn't need it.

KYOKUCHUU HATTO 123 Corollary A: This includes you, Sougo.

KYOKUCHUU HATTO 138: Thou will not kidnap.

KYOKUCHUU HATTO 138 Corrollary A: Thou will not kidnap individuals from different timelines and universes and put them into a mental institution because you stayed up too late watching My Mother Married Motherfuckin' Frankenstein!!!!1one Seasons 1 to 3 and thought it would be cool to be an evil mastermind for once because hey that chick was hot.

KYOKUCHUU HATTO 139: In addition to committing seppuku, those who violate Kyokuchuu Hatto 11, 20, 123, and 138 in succession will be asked to add one or more of the following flourishes to their dramatic death: tying themselves to a rocketship and blowing their head off to outer space, slicing off their fingers and planting them in Campbell's Soup cans, dancing the Mambo with 2/3 of their head, selling lemonade, auctioning organs on eBay, cosplaying a zombie, etc."

-Hijikata Toshirou (mayomanoflove) [here]



"Be grateful you were not here to witness their bantering. It was the equivalence of listening to a homoerotic soap opera in the middle of the night, though not half as interesting."

-Luxord (clockmongler) [here]



"Welcome to the madhouse."

-Tony Stark (i_dont_paint) [here]


This had seemed like a really good plan yesterday but it wasn't helping with the process of pretending Yesterday Never Happened. It wasn't that anything particularly bad had happened. He hadn't gotten maimed, eaten or shot at, which by all rights should qualify it as a Better Than Usual day but... Landel's must be raising his standards because in retrospect it just seemed shitty. Probably because he'd spent most of it moping in a very unsubtle way. Baww my heterosexual life partner left me for a car. Baww the brat I don't mind hanging around with got forced into magical spinal surgery. Baww the chick I got to second base with dissapeared. (He could almost hear Mimi going Wow, Badou. I'm so surprised. That's special. Like every other Wednesday.)

Ok, the point was...that...the lack of nicotine was making him some kind of hormonal old woman. He just needed to completely forget about all that crap and not deal with it at all, because it was the right and manly thing to do. And Badou was a manly sort of guy.

...Yeah, right.

-Badou (cigarettes_plz) [here]



"DON'T WANT TO HURT ME? YOU OOZING SLAB OF FORMALDEHYDE-FLAVORED BITCH! WHAT DO YOU CALL THESE CUTS? AND I'M WEARING A FUCKING SHIRT NOW AND MY BONES ARE SCREAMING AT ME OUT MY EARDRUMS BECAUSE I CAN ONLY FLIP YOU OFF WITH ONE FUCKING HAND!"

As if to demonstrate, Spider freed his left arm and made a gesture so rude it would have sprained a less practiced hand. Then he brought his right heel up to strike the crotch of the guy grabbing him.

-Spider (iwascloned) [here]



"Nah. One hundred percent human. And last time I checked, the bastards hadn't cut my balls off," he said, sarcasm running on autopilot. "And from a planet with forks." Not that he was using his right now, but bacon was a perfectly fine finger food.

"Sangamon Taylor," he added, his voice lifting just a bit at the end in the vague hope of it being recognized. "You?"

"My name is Spider Jerusalem," he said, with a vague hope of being recognized, "and I am also from a planet with forks."

-S.T. (toxicspiderman) & Spider (iwascloned) [here]



"For all her ignorance on much of the human world, as unfortunately dictated by her creators, GLaDOS was still keenly up-to-date on everything that happened technologically. She dug into her memory from 2005 and recalled absolutely no virus attacks that were of any significance. If a virus had been developed that wiped out every OS except one, surely the Aperture scientists would have given her that information, in order to further protect her from an outside attack (even more so than she already was protected).

Either this man was lying, or they were from differing worlds. Or timelines. She knew it was possible here. Besides, ALTIMIT sounded almost suspiciously like Windows."

- GLaDOS (2cuprhubarb) [here]



From breakfast to the Sun Room and Kio wanted out of the stupid wheelchair already. His nurse, however, seemed to believe that the chair contained magical healing powers and he would somehow leap out of it and become Wonder Kio, Master of the Universe. Sou-chan could be the morose sidekick and Ritsuka would make a cute butler.

- Kio (stalksperverts) [here]



And he lifts his hand in a nervous salute to Invisible Ceiling Megatron.
- Scourge (haplesstracker) [here]



"HOAAAA!!!

Do we finally get a training arc? Do we get to fight bears?"


"...

I don't know what you mean by training arc, but no, we're not going to be fighting bears. Or any other sort of animal."


"You know, like in the comics when the hero finds out that he's too weak to defeat the bad guy so he goes onto this ten day quest to get a new fighting technique. And then he gets to the bad guy and he's like "HRAAAAH I am powerful!" and the bad guy goes "No way, I'm more powerful!" and this goes on for another 5 chapters until the hero unleashes his super attack and defeats the villain?

Like that.

Are we at least going to train?"


Kagura (16hitmagnum) and Akihiko (fourtharcana) [here]



"I'm not a vast majority. Are you calling me a fatass?"

"WOULD YOU GO AWAY IF I SAID YES?"

- Badou (cigarettes_plz) and Lugnut (hailmegatron) [here]



Maybe this Oliver guy had a fucked up life too, and he was just caught in someone else's crossroads. That was depressing. Badou liked olives. They should only suffer in those little drinks...with the thing... They had little red spots. Like his hair.

God, his hair was pretty.

- (drugged) Badou (cigarettes_plz) [here] (submitted twice)



"I got an apple. What do you look like?"

"I look like me. What sort of questions that."

- Dean Winchester (theroadsofar) and Ryuk (bored_todeath) [here]



"It's a doctor, right? They never got pretty head 'o hair." he answered. Or was it the scientists that didn't have pretty hair? Einstein looked like his hair exploded, the Noah knew as much as that.

Then again, his own looked like a mess as well, but he was a hobo. A lifestyle that wasn't exactly known for it's many opportunities for a shower.

- Tyki Mikk (tyki_pon) [here]




"And I think I've missed out on the story of naked adventures in Russia."

"There were no naked adventures in Russia," Artemis said crossly, folding his arms in front of him and pouting a little. "I was fully clothed--otherwise I would have frozen to death. And become sterile. But I'm fine. Just in case anyone was worried about me."

- Haku (faithful_frost) and Artemis Fowl II (byname_bynature) [here]



"Can't sleep. Gotta... gotta... gotta burn the doctor's office t'night." He didn't really have anything to burn it with though. He needed burning things. Firey things. Rocket launchers were good. They burned things.

- Allelujah (tender_cruelty) [here]



"Just a moment," Sousuke rather blatantly and deliberately stood up, moved over to where the CDs were stored, and after searching a bit, came back with a few.

"I have heard that these bands are rather obnoxious, and while listening to them, it is impossible to hold an erection. This should prevent any sort of romantic feeling."

- Sagara Sousuke (uruz_vii) [here]



"What is there to know? I'm stuck in a B-rated horror setting because some sadist with a mindfuck fetish wanted to have a multi-fandom crossover with all his favorite characters, the nurses call me 'Kate,' and at night virgin-eating birds are going to eat me unless I either stay in my room or get some person with a secret-identity to order me around and save my ass."

-Hijikata Toshirou (mayomanoflove) [here]




Iwillnothauloffandpunchhim, Iwillnothauloffandpunchthissonofabitch, Iwillnothauloffandkneethisbastard'spackagerightthroughtheroofofhismouthbecauseOkitaiswatching.

-Heiji (osakapwnzu) [here]




"But... Yue is a girl's name. Giiiiiiirrrruuuuuulllll..." he lengthened it, just in case this guy didn't exactly understand what that meant.

-Sokka (alwayscomesback) [here]




"What?" Was he talking about..the two of them? Badou didn't think so for some reason. He sounded more like he was seriously throwing himself into that gollum thing. Next thing he knew Allelujah would be going on about his precious.

-Badou (cigarettes_plz) [here]




Drugs didn't really bring a lot of intelligence to a conversation. Yes, little craze Alle, there are bad people in the world. Remember to protect your virgin emo kid ass when you venture into the woods lair of the beast doctor's offices~! Wooo.

-Badou (cigarettes_plz) [here]



...One day, Badou was going to meet someone whose life story didn't involve some kind of horrible traumatic experimentation. People like that had to exist, right? He wasn't some kind of rare exception?

-Badou (cigarettes_plz) [here]




Client. Classified information. Smug jerk.

. . . oh, come on. Tell me that my roomate isn't a lawyer too.

It would have made a terrible, shouldn't-be-funny kind of sense, though. He already knew that Edgeworth's room was practically the Landel's Institute prosecutors' lounge. Maybe they'd stick the defense attorneys in one room, too. Phoenix had seen a lot stranger, even before he'd come here.

-Phoenix (pleading_ngri) [here]




'Chainsaw.' Grell used a chainsaw, a customized red and gold chainsaw, to take peoples' souls and generally torture them for enjoyment.

Had he less self control, Luxord would have simply leaped into Grell's arms, kissed him full on the lips, asked the man to marry him and end the conversation there. Luckily, his cards were called into question before he could continue staring at the lady with the closest to a love-struck expression a Nobody could manage.

-Luxord (clockmongler) [here]




Deep as his thoughts were, it was only a matter of moments before Blitzwing was suddenly shook out of his pensive mood. There was kitties in the Sun Room! He'd always wanted to hold a kitty; they looked so soft and interesting, and humans made such funny pictures of them on the internet! And now he was the right size to finally do it! Finally, something good had come out of being turned into a human!

-Blitzwing (lossofface) [here]



"You bastard!" she screamed, grabbing the man beside her by his collar. "How dare you put mayo on my food!" Then she realized who he was. He was... uhh... Hiji-something Tosshi-something. Right? She didn't really bother to remember his name but it was comforting to have somebody she knew in this weird, low-budget dream setting.

"You bastard!" she screamed, shaking him. "How dare you put mayo on my food!"

-Kagura (Gintama) (16hitmagnum) [here]



He glanced at Brainiac sidelong, grinning. "But for the record, I always liked Batman better."

-Schuldig (k4t4str0ph4l) [here]



"Walking down these halls is like scurrying down big throbbing veins in an ogre's cock. I wish it'd hurry up and come already."

- Spider Jerusalem (iwascloned) [here]



Badou stared in mute shock for a long moment, not sure he was really seeing what he was seeing. A lighter. Haku could have stabbed him in the forehead with a pen and he might not notice he was so focused on that single point of light in his world. A full week without a smoke hit him like the ten million fucking virgin angels he'd imagined when he first saw a cigarette all those days ago. This was hotter than that. This was the promise of polluted smoke and lung cancer and a smooth shot of ecstasy right there in front of him. It was a beauty unmatched by mere divine orgies.

He didn't know when he'd stood up, but his hands trembled slightly on the desk, his whole body strung with repressed tension. He could have tackled Haku with pure happiness if he wasn't well aware of the real distance between him and that lighter. What fresh hell was this? Badou wanted to cry. He decided to resort to begging instead.

"Can I use it once? Please? Come on man, have some pity." Badou clasped his hands in front of him, a well-used whine seeping into his voice. "I'll get you anything for it. Seriously. If it kills me I'll come back and haunt the place until I can find it. Just let me use it once tonight because you're a nice guy. Help out your fellow man and spread some peace and love. Good deeds are good for your soul."

-Badou (cigarettes_plz) [here]




And once again, Badou was walking through dark hallways all alone with only his flashlight to guide him and monsters lurking everywhere. It was all very brave and dramatic, minus the part about it being brave.

- Badou (cigarettes_plz) [here]



"WHEN I COME BACK HERE I'M GOING TO RAM THIS THING EIGHTEEN FEET UP YOUR FUCKING URETHRA, GREASY MERKIN!" He yelled at it anyway, as he labored to execute a high-speed 90 degree turn with his dolly. The turn was mostly successful, in that he spent only a few moments picking the dolly up off the ground before tearing away towards the Pharmacy.

Spider Jerusalem (iwascloned) [here]



"CALL THESE SERIOUS HALLUCENOGENICS? ONLY IF TALKING FLOWERS AND A MAGICAL COTTAGE IN THE MOUNTAINS ARE ENOUGH TO BLOW YOUR TINY SQUISHY MINDS. I WILL BET ALL THE GODDAMN CHILDREN'S STRENGTH GRADE-SCHOOL DRUGS I'VE GOT, NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A SIX-THOUSAND-FOOT REPTILIAN JESUS WHOSE WORDS ARE MADE OF KILLER BEES.

BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES"

"This, children, is why we don't mix our hardcore narcotics."

-Spider Jerusalem (iwascloned) & Badou (cigarettes_plz) [here]





"So...S.T." It was a bit strange calling someone by initials, but he shrugged that off as best he could. "You woke up a little while ago, I take it? I assume Wright has given you the basic information - where we are, who's running the place - as far as we know - and what lurks in the halls at night. What didn't he tell you? Patient organizations, experiments...?"

"Yeah." He starts ticking things off on his fingers. "Kidnapping, mad doctors, rabid capybaras for squirrels, brainwashing, experiments, fake lives, cut off from the world, time like a fucking Dali painting, radio mindgames, general assholery." He was out of fingers. "And no beer. A conspiracy theorist's wet dream. Oh, and you're both from the future."

For a quick laundry list of details, that was actually a surprisingly accurate portrait of life at Landel's. Phoenix especially appreciated 'general assholery.'

- Miles Edgeworth (high_prosecutor), S.T. (toxicspiderman), and Phoenix Wright (pleading_ngri) [here]




"The past twenty-four hours had been full of surprises. Ophelia was secretly a snake monster, and Haku was secretly a boy."

- SubZero (icy_demise [here]